Yeast infections, depression, and suicidal thoughts

I have a yeast infection that is giving me suicidal thoughts.

It’s been coming back almost every month. I visited many doctors and shed a lot of money on specialist appointments and treatments. One time I paid a fortune to have a special probiotic pill delivered from Spain, but threw it away because it gave me diarrhea.

At this point, I do everything right. I know the drill. I wear only cotton underwear or no underwear at all. I only wear loose clothing. I boil towels, beddings  and underwear. I don’t douche. I eat tons of probiotics. Everything you can read online about treating a yeast infection – been there done that.

The infection comes back again and again, and over the past 6 months I also started to have a monthly occurrence of bacterial vaginosis. While yeast infection smells sour, BV  smells like dead fish, so I paid a visit to the doctor who diagnosed the BV and prescribed topical antibiotics. I was reluctant to take the antibiotics because of the already fragile situation with the yeast infection. I went to get a second opinion from a specialist, paid a fortune, and he told me to do vinegar douches for a month and avoid the antibiotics. But six months had passed and the BV  kept returning every month until I decided it was time to do the antibiotic treatment. As suggested by the first doctor, I coupled the antibiotic treatment with fluconazole to avoid an outbreak of a yeast infection (yeast outbreaks are very common when taking antibiotics).

Now all that is before mentioning that I was diagnosed with vestibulitis (or vulvodynia) over a year ago. They don’t know what causes it yet, but there is an assumption that this condition can be triggered by the topical treatments for yeast infection and bacterial vaginosis.

This condition makes the vulvar and vaginal opening skin super sensitive and any touch to the area feels like intense burning. When you have this condition, it becomes extremely painful to insert a tampon or a menstruation cup. Sex is at best painful and at worst impossible. And forget about wearing jeans.

When you have vestibulitis, a yeast infection or bacterial vaginosis the itch and burn symptoms feel much stronger. If two girls have an outbreak of a mild yeast infection, it is possible that the one without vestibulitis would have mild symptoms or no symptoms at all, while the other will hurt burn and itch like hell. I am that girl, and when this happens I will seek any kind of relief. Thoughts of jumping out of the window are not rare. In fact, they come almost every night when I have a yeast infection outbreak and can’t sleep due to itch and pain.

Back to last week. To prevent an outbreak of a yeast infection while on antibiotics, I took large quantities of probiotics orally, and the moment I was done with the antibiotic cream, I started inserting vaginal probiotics as well. However, after a week of doing the probiotic thing which was quite a hassle – I prepared the probiotic powder with some water inside a syringe every night and it often spill on my bed – I missed one night.

One night I was so tired I skipped the local probiotic application. Also, the day before that I let my boyfriend touch me. So now the horrible itchiness is back. I took the last fluconazole pill I had, and scheduled a doctor’s appointments to get more, but at this point I am thinking there is no hope and that maybe I should look for help  with a psychiatrist, or perhaps try to get medicinal marijuana for times of outbreaks. I currently don’t use marijuana at all, but I am desperate.

This whole situation takes a huge toll on my sex life and my relationship. My boyfriend says it’s fine with him but we haven’t had spontaneous sex in about 2 years. I lost most of my sex drive because these days sex is either too painful or triggers the outbreak of a yeast infection. Everything related to sex has become a burden for me. I don’t feel like giving or receiving oral sex, I don’t want to be touched over there, and at this point I am happy living the rest of my life without sex. I assume this whole thing can be 10 times harder for single girls because they might not have the motivation to go out and meet somebody as long as they have this condition. On the other hand I think some time off relationships can have a healing effect.

So back to suicidal thoughts.The itchiness can be so bad that you just want to tear your vagina off. You lie awake at night, unable to fall asleep and then you start having deep thoughts and start wondering: why bother? Is this a life worth living? Obviously there are worse conditions, but when the horrible itchiness keeps coming back all of the time and I feel that my life revolves around it, then I’m asking these questions.

So I am lying there in pain, trying to figure out a reason to live. Live for my parents? Live for my boyfriend?

Which leads me to think – am I doing anything significant with my life? I saved money and quit my job a few months ago to focus on writing, but I spend my free time on errands and health issues. If I had a job I was passionate about, or significant studies or volunteering, or had someone else dependent on me, there would be a reason to go on. But as it is right now, it is very hard to for me to find a reason to keep going.